Two Weeks and I’ve Never Felt More Alone.

So, it’s been a little over two weeks since I received the Bipolar diagnosis, and since I started the medication. I still get the headaches on the medication. I’m not even sure if the shit is working. I’ve never felt normal. So, what the hell is normal?

I’m sitting here writing this, and I’ve never felt more alone in my life. It’s difficult to say, but, I’ve done stupid shit in manic and depressed states. Apparently in those situations, I’m an idiot and an asshole. But, why couldn’t I control those moments? Does my brain really disregard all of the things I’m supposed to do? In reading about bipolar disorder, I’ve learned many things. 

I’ve learned that impulse control, while not being medicated, is damn near impossible. I’ve learned that hyper sexuality is a symptom. I’ve also learned that I have fallen victim to all of those things. Oh, in finding out those things, I’ve also learned that lying is also a thing that I fall victim to due to this bullshit in my brain. 

Most people that know me can tell you that I try to always be a caring and decent human being. I have my moments, but so does everyone. Those same people can tell you how much I love my wife and family. I love them more than anything else on the planet. I would do anything for them. Die, kill, you name it, I’d do it for them.

That being said, I did something very stupid. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t fully understand how any of this can cause me to do things that I would normally never do, but it does. I still cannot wrap my head around how this condition can subvert my brain into thinking that it’s ok to do certain things. 

I guess I can never truly understand any of it, but I’m responsible for it none the less. It’s not the bipolar disorder itself that gets the repercussions of the actions that it causes, it’s me and my family. So, technically, I cheated on my wife. Not physically, I would never do that. Not even emotionally, because that woman has my entire heart and always will. But, I did sext people on an anonymous sight. Again, hyper sexuality and impulse control are very bad symptoms of bipolar disorder. 

Of course I blame myself for all of these things. I’m the one that did them. Mental illness or not, my fingers did the typing. I never even cared who the person on the other end was. They meant. Itching at all to me. They were a means to an end. Period. 

This is something that, when normal, I would never do. As I said, my family is everything to me. Yet, I alienated and destroyed the trust in my relationship. Fuck. This sucks. I know it sucks for my wife too. See, we are both victims in all of this. 

Even though I know that I couldn’t fully control my actions, I also know that what I did was just flat out fucking wrong. But now I just feel abandoned. But, I know full well that it’s my own damn fault.

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