I’m trying to get my inspiration back. I love to write, I love to draw, I love video games and I love reading. But, in the last year, I’ve lost all motivation to do any of those things. Hence this being the first post in a very very long time.
I wish I could say that it’s just because it’s been a terrible year. It hasn’t. Well, not entirely. A lot of great things have happened to me. Through it all however, there has been this feeling of despair. A depression like none I’ve ever felt. Feeling worthless. Losing everything I once loved about myself.
Many times I’ve been depressed and hopeless. I’ve wanted to give up entirely. However, now, I feel even that wouldn’t really and the sorrow. It’s like I feel as if it would follow me into the abyss, into the darkness. It’s not constant. But it is there quite often.
I’d be lying if I said that there haven’t been incredibly happy times. They are just few and far between. Most of the time I’m just pretending. Because whenever I’m happy and think that I have friends around me, there this creeping feeling that it’s all fake. That I’m being tolerated and not included.
Sure, almost everyone feels that way. Probably often. Mine is constant. It’s a hammer beating in my brain over and over again. All day, every day. I’m an impostor. I am fake.
I use sarcasm, jokes, and self deprecating humor to make people like me. The ultimate joke is that when I’m being self deprecating, I truly believe it about myself. I’ve damn near ruined every relationship with anyone that’s ever given one single fuck about me. And, I’ve latched into those that have been the worst for me.
Now, it’s time for that to stop. I have to make a change. I’m not saying I can do it, but Jesus Christ, I’m going to try. I’ve learned to fight through depression, agoraphobia, and ocd without medication, but it shouldn’t always be that hard of a fight. It’s time to level that playing field.
Life, the Struggle 